This hits home. I've been taking care of my father for years. He has dementia, COPD, and a bunch of other issues. In a lot of ways it's like the pandemic never ended for us. I barely leave the house other than for trips to the grocery store and doctor's visits. It's brutal.
Sadly, I'm also recognizing that as a man pushing 50, I'm not very good at asking for help. I don't. I'm also not good at maintaining strong social ties. Both of these are things I hope to get better at. It sounds so easy, but I struggle with both. Especially while managing the ups and downs of my mental health and taking care of my father.
That said, I'm very grateful that none of this triggered a relapse of my drinking. That would not be good. For the most part, I use meditation and exercise to hold myself together.
Sharing this doesn't excite me, but maybe there are other caregivers out there that feel the same way. And for those of you with children, please plan for how you're going to handle your late life care.
My partner is undergoing chemo for stage 4 sarcoma and co-incidentally, my 13 month old happened to get sick on the day my partner started (around 2 weeks ago)
Looking after a sick toddler by myself, whilst also trying to juggle WFH has been... I haven't felt this level of depression and hopeless since my early 20s. I've never been more overwhelmed in my life.
Honestly, there is no coping mechanism in that scenario. You're being pulled from 20 different directions, the house is a mess, you're emotionally a wreck. It honestly feels impossible.
Thankfully yesterday I was finally able to put her into daycare and the weight that was lifted from my shoulders was immense.
I'm honestly worried for the future and I might just have to quit my job if it comes to it. But that's just life. I never knew it could be so brutal.
When I watch my sister talking with my mum about health problems, I'm aware that - as a man (and a programmer) - I repeatedly fall into the trap of 'trying to find a solution'. So I humbly suggest to all the other men/programmers out there who are caring for someone else, always try first to acknowledge what someone is saying to you, rather than trying to jump straight to a solution, because the latter can sometimes appear to be ignoring that person's feelings or condition, or failing to acknowledge them.
i wish there were more resources for caregivers tending to family with mental health issues.
unlike a physical illness or disabilities where there are clearly defined caregiving tasks (e.g., helping with mobility, bathing, administering medication), it's primarily emotional/mental burden where you can't just ask a stranger to stop by and help out for a couple days (not to say that there isn't a mental/emotional burden with all forms of caregiving).
couple that with the social stigma many people feel about mental health issues, you will most likely have to fulfill your caregiving role secretly in the privacy of your home so it isn't possible to find a community of other people in a similar situation.
it's overwhelming and isolating. and when you do start looking for resources on how to take care of yourself or searching for some community where you could vent and feel understood... all you'll find are lists of tips for "here's how to help your loved one start therapy". i know they mean well, but it just reinforces the idea that you were wrong to have been thinking about your own needs and you really just need to be more selfless and more dedicated to supporting your loved ones.
I have been taking care of my partner suffering a chronic illness for 2-3 years now and it is phenomenal that this on the top of HN. I've had to figure out a lot of this for myself having made many mistakes and I still just learned about Respite Care. Thanks OP :)
lemonberry ·4 hours ago
Sadly, I'm also recognizing that as a man pushing 50, I'm not very good at asking for help. I don't. I'm also not good at maintaining strong social ties. Both of these are things I hope to get better at. It sounds so easy, but I struggle with both. Especially while managing the ups and downs of my mental health and taking care of my father.
That said, I'm very grateful that none of this triggered a relapse of my drinking. That would not be good. For the most part, I use meditation and exercise to hold myself together.
Sharing this doesn't excite me, but maybe there are other caregivers out there that feel the same way. And for those of you with children, please plan for how you're going to handle your late life care.
Show replies
dottjt ·4 hours ago
Looking after a sick toddler by myself, whilst also trying to juggle WFH has been... I haven't felt this level of depression and hopeless since my early 20s. I've never been more overwhelmed in my life.
Honestly, there is no coping mechanism in that scenario. You're being pulled from 20 different directions, the house is a mess, you're emotionally a wreck. It honestly feels impossible.
Thankfully yesterday I was finally able to put her into daycare and the weight that was lifted from my shoulders was immense.
I'm honestly worried for the future and I might just have to quit my job if it comes to it. But that's just life. I never knew it could be so brutal.
Show replies
PlunderBunny ·31 minutes ago
parpfish ·3 hours ago
unlike a physical illness or disabilities where there are clearly defined caregiving tasks (e.g., helping with mobility, bathing, administering medication), it's primarily emotional/mental burden where you can't just ask a stranger to stop by and help out for a couple days (not to say that there isn't a mental/emotional burden with all forms of caregiving).
couple that with the social stigma many people feel about mental health issues, you will most likely have to fulfill your caregiving role secretly in the privacy of your home so it isn't possible to find a community of other people in a similar situation.
it's overwhelming and isolating. and when you do start looking for resources on how to take care of yourself or searching for some community where you could vent and feel understood... all you'll find are lists of tips for "here's how to help your loved one start therapy". i know they mean well, but it just reinforces the idea that you were wrong to have been thinking about your own needs and you really just need to be more selfless and more dedicated to supporting your loved ones.
Show replies
ixtli ·4 hours ago